TNP

Phil....You are the cause of your whining

This was said to me today. This was probably a joke, it could of been serious, I don't know. But, when I heard it, it hit me really hard. It hit me because they were right. I was the cause of my whining. I never put my foot down or tell a person to fuck off. I usually just open my doors to everyone. From my view, I'm not being taken serious and I feel that I am a problem. As of right now, I have to focus on me and keep it that way.

I will forever keep this quote in my head, because the person who said it have things in their life they whine about and make it seems that its my responsibility for their actions or whatever happens to them.

Searching

What would one do to get their life back in order? I asked my that question and came to the conclusion that I need to get myself together and stay a little more focus on me. The problem is....me. That's the problem. I'm there for my friends, but they are not for me....because they are not in the position to helping others out. I'm there for my friends and they are not for me. I'm not even there for me....and I'm me. There's a lot of weight on my plate and before I can be there for my friends...I have to start being there for me.

Most likely, I'm gonna say low for a while, start getting myself back on my feet slowly. I need a job. I gotta start handling my business and start holding my own. If this mean turning my back on my friends to get myself up back on my feet....then I must. I just need to sacrifice a little for a while until things get better for me. It do suck, but I can't lead until I'm able to lead myself.

Road to Recovery 2

In one week I went from no Phone to an iPhone 4 to a shitty phone from the year 2002. Decisions, decisions decisions. I ask myself....why me? I believe I gotta focus more on myself than the other people. People that owe me money....don't worry about them, people that come around when they need something, don't bother with them. It seems while someone are enjoying themselves, I gotta to limit myself and get myself something. Tired of debt. tired of not working, tired of not being in school. just tired of not being right with where I am.

I gotta change. I gotta change for the future.

Keep Pushing

All and all, I never under stood the logic in a man taking interest in a female just to bang her and never talk to her again. However, I think its not the guy that's the bad guy when it comes to this issue, its more like the female who grows an attachment to the male and things get a little complicated. In my case, it can be banging a female or just welcoming them into my home so they can sleep or give them advice. Maybe I'll understand more later on. And maybe I need to start taking advantage of everything that's in front of me and stop holding myself back. I might as well be a man-whore. Who knows at this rate. I don't know. But I gotta figure this thing out. 

The Road to Recovery

Just when I was starting to get back on my feet, serious about life, serious about school....bam! Reality strikes again. And now I know. I had to drop summer school, and I have to look for a job. Not bad for a birthday week. three days into the week and nothing gone my way....period. Just failed after failed after failed. It starting to look like a week of just FAIL.

My credit card,. the one I been working to pay off for the past 2 years now, is not paid off. Actually, the debt just got higher and higher and higher. Even when I was not using it, the debt was getting higher. Interest rates and a service charge which I never sign up for. Basically, what supposed to paid off by now, was just getting higher by the month. I was paying more than the minimum balance and it still was getting higher. Basically all my payments....probably for the past year in a half have been useless. And I could have been out of debt, or at least have a lower balance in the 1000 dollars area, if I paid attention instead of giving them money, money, money.

I been a fool, not paying attention to stuff, just letting things be. Well, I guess that's what happens when someone decides to start doing something about their life and looking for a change. A change for the better. Well, sow or some how or some way I will pull it off. Credit card is cut off and the only thing I need to do now is start paying it off

Serious mode....for now

It seems everything got a little easier for me in school right now. Maybe its the fact that I'm focus for once. I don't know. I chose to stay home to do work instead of going out and watch the Laker game with friends. I'm more focus than I ever been, however, that focus might go away as of 2ormmrow since my Financial Aid have not kicked in and the deadline to pay for my classes is tomorrow. Basically 5 grand. Fucking sucks because I do not know what's going on right now.

Dear...

I hope you're doing ok where ever you are. I'm sorry I'm not as supportive as I should be, but, some times it take someone turning their back to make someone push themselves. I hope you stay serious and not back down. You are a beautiful young woman and you'll make yourself proud once you're back on your feet. Once you do that, then you can talk all the shit you want. But I'm really glad you're making the effort now, I know it will not be easy for you, but I believe you can do it. Be safe and take care.

-Phil

Time stop

Today feels like the longest day ever. Actually this is the longest day in the past 6 months. I don't understand how much time flies and out of nowhere it slows down and I feel like I'm in limbo. I guess this how it feels when someone decides to stop bullshitting and get serious about whatever they are doing. I have a year left of school. Its not going to be fun, but hopefully it all work for the best and I'm awarded at the end because right now I'm fucked for the future if I fail.

Californiacation pt.1

Life been interesting the last few months. There's been a lot of ups and downs and also I learn too much about myself. My wants, needs. Life looked like that for a second. And I think I prefer life being that way. I also learned about how much being alone and on my own benefit me as well as lending a hand is not always the right thing. I believe in this world there's the good guy and then there's the bad guy.  And I think I like being the bad guy. My rules, my method, my way. I'm tired of being the Hero all the time. Black Peter Parker/Spiderman can't be the hero all the time.

So what I'm gonna do now.....turn my back? Maybe. I got one year of school left and I need to get my act together. I gotta focus on myself. That's it for now.

Jaw dropper

How does it feel to cause a domino effect? Not a good a feeling in my view and it seems I have cause one. I lost a friend recently and it seems, yet again, I was not at fault. But maybe I was at fault for never making a move in the past or expressing myself to her when I had the chance. Right now, I don't feel so down about it. Hurt? Yes. Down? No. The reason being is that I got what I wanted to say off my chest and I can move on with my life.

But what the future will bring me now that I don't have my number 1 fan by my side? Who knows. Have life been fine without the person? It seems like it, at the same time, I want to be there at their side still. However, it seems I can't for the moment, and maybe this time it will stay that way. The one thing I do know is....communication is something I need working on.